📓 Friday December 5, 2025 — 10:55 a.m.
Today has been like every morning:
Wake up — shit, I’m still alive.
This could mean damn, why?
Or it could mean I guess I have to keep walking toward the direction my inner compass says.
Make some coffee — grind my beans. Today it’s my Blue Bottle coffee beans.
It matters to smell the aroma of freshly ground beans.
I hear the beans getting ripped apart while I splash my face with cold-ass water.
It’s icy, chilled with a bit of mint, as the water slides across my brow, my cheeks, and the rest of the geometry that is this Mexican-American face.
Simba, orange fur ball, meows away — it’s time to walk him with his green constellation harness.
Walking into the cement yard, past the boxing heavy bag resting under a blue Disney Tinker Bell blanket, near the fence and the old white van used as extra storage, and the old 1967 junkyard Mustang — the hard-top one.
It is boring.
It is not sexy.
But it’s my morning.
While eating my chicken soup, with guacamole on the side, a bit of beans, and hot coffee mixed with canela —
my mother speaks.
“Hey, there’s some tostada chips. Do you want some?”
“No. I have a disdain for this. It makes my blood boil.”
It isn’t the chips.
So I explain:
“I’m older, living in a garage. I’ve always self-imploded. I’ve always had a shitty body that never helped me because I never helped it.
It’s a concept — not a chip, not ‘bad eating’ anymore.
I don’t want to go back to that guy.
I haven’t achieved what I wanted in life… and if I go back, I know I never will.”
Then something landed:
I am exactly who I give myself permission to be.
A broken man, from a broken family, with a broken mind —
but…
and I’ve always hated that word —
but today I choose a new life instead of the old one.
And I’m starting to like who I’m becoming.
To become, to me, means this:
do what you’ve never done before, to become who you want to be.
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