📰 June 4, 2026 — 4:26 p.m.
I’m home now.
Today I received Heart of Darkness by Eleanor Coppola, the documentary about the making of Apocalypse Now.
Funny thing.
I already owned this documentary.
The Blu-ray.
The 4K.
The 4K steelbook.
Apparently I forgot.
So now this is the fourth time I’ve bought it.
The fourth time is the charm, I guess.
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Earlier this week I was browsing the Lionsgate website looking for new releases.
Sometimes I do that when I feel something creeping up on me.
Not depression exactly.
Just that feeling of:
“I think I might be sad soon.”
So I look for something.
A distraction.
An escape.
But today I realized I wasn’t looking for an escape.
I was looking to learn.
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I started watching the documentary again.
This time paying attention to Eleanor.
For years I had heard her name mentioned here and there whenever people talked about Apocalypse Now.
I never paid much attention.
I watched the film.
That was that.
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Now I see Francis running around shirtless in the Philippines.
Getting hit in the head by equipment.
Standing in the rain.
Trying to finish a film that looked like it wanted to destroy him.
He didn’t look like a famous director.
He looked like a migrant worker trying to finish a job before the weather got worse.
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I’m not Francis.
I don’t want to be Francis.
But I do find him inspiring.
Not because he was fearless.
Because he was scared and kept going anyway.
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My dad always measured possibility differently.
“Don’t raise your expectations too high. The fall can be devastating.”
I understand why he thinks that way.
Life taught him that lesson.
But then I hear Eleanor say:
“It’s okay if we lose the house and all the money. I believe in Francis as an artist. He can make another film and get it back.”
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That hit me.
Not the filmmaking.
The belief.
The idea that somebody could look at an artist before the result exists and say:
“I believe in you anyway.”
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Maybe that’s what I’m really responding to.
Not Apocalypse Now.
Not filmmaking.
Not Hollywood.
Belief.
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I’ve spent years asking myself:
Can I improve?
Can I get good enough?
Can I become the kind of artist that can sustain himself through his work?
I went back to school.
Finished community college.
Finished university.
Cleared a substantial amount of debt.
Lost over thirty pounds.
And I keep asking the same question.
Can I get better?
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Maybe that’s why I’m watching this documentary again in 2026.
Who the fuck knows.
Maybe I just needed to see another artist trying to create something with no guarantee of success.
No promise.
No certainty.
Just a vision.
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Francis didn’t seem reasonable.
He seemed scared.
But he also seemed determined to find out.
Can this shit be done?
Can we make something worth all this trouble?
Can we give people something that makes them say:
“Damn. That’s awesome.”
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Maybe bravery isn’t the absence of fear.
Maybe bravery is being willing to find out anyway.
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💬 Reader Question
Has there ever been someone who believed in you before you had proof that you could succeed?
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