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Survival, discipline, introspection, and the play between the conscious and the subconscious can make life confusing.
Chaoticness is something I’ve been observing more closely lately.
Why?
Because I’m no better than anyone else.
I used to be ungrounded and emotionally unstable — terrified of “loneliness,” or what I thought loneliness was.
Sometimes it’s necessary to be alone.
To sit with not being liked, not being wanted, and the insecurity of feeling “not enough.”
Those were the ingredients of my old consciousness.
Instinct — which I believe is the subconscious — tries to help you, even when you’re not listening.
Years ago, during a heartbreak, I learned that the hard way.
In the darkness, while holding what I believed to be the love of my life,
I heard a voice:
“Ask her if she still loves you.”
It was a female voice.
It freaked me out.
“Do you still love me?”
“I don’t know anymore.”
“What do you mean?”
Truth is, I already knew what she meant —
I just didn’t want it to be real.
A chill down my spine.
A week later:
“You sped up the breakup.
I was gonna wait till the end of October to leave you.
I found someone else.”
Fuck.
And the questions came:
Am I enough?
Was I ever enough?
Is he better than me?
Blah blah.
My mistake.
I was surviving — that’s why I ignored life.
She gave me signs, but I didn’t want to see them.
That version of me wasn’t grounded enough to listen to instinct.
So I learned: be willing to lose.
Because in the end, you didn’t lose —
you shed someone who wasn’t aligned with your best interests.
And that’s what you want: someone who wants the best for you as much as you do for them.
I am no better than anyone.
Just someone learning to see clearly now.
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